i'm 24 now. i feel like things have not gone the way i've wanted it to. im a loser, and i think younger me would be ashamed as i expected so much more of me. i wanted to go to college, or at least be an internet artist. now id just like a job and a hole in my head.
i've also decided to let eve back into my life, despite the manipulation she put me through. its weird to see her twitter card thing suddenly say shes into some of the same stuff as me, like hellsing. i need to keep her at arms length, incase shes talking to YouKnowWho, i dont need to reinvite THAT back into my life. fucker follows me everywhere like a persistent ghost or something. ive seen less determined mutants in S.T.A.L.K.E.R than him.
i hope things get better, or that i die soon. i really dont want to deal with this bullshit anymore, but i dont have the balls to pull the trigger. some people like may would say im brave and strong for holding on, but i think im just scared. i was in the mormon church when i was younger and my abusive stepfather really hammered a lot of stuff into my head, about my worth as a human, about hell. i guess im scared of going to hell, but i think i sealed that years ago. ill be there when i die, i just hope it isnt worse than this misery.
i've also been struggling hard with who i am as a person, questioning everything about me, from my gender to my looks to my abilities in things. ive always felt that my life would be easier as a female, for several reasons, be it support, understanding of my issues, jobs, my body, whatever. but i dont think it would help, at this point. im me, unfortunately. no amount of hormones or surgeries will ever fix whats wrong with me. the sooner i find comfort in misery, the sooner ill be at ease with myself.
i cant help but be jealous, though, an ex of mine is going through gender euphoria and she seems really happy with herself now. i envy her, for being so happy and leading a good life, despite faking her death and manipulating me, then making me feel bad for finding a voice against it. shes a terrible person, just like me, but she gets to be happy, have her own place, her new lover in her arms, a job, medication for her issues. i dont get that, i dont get a job, i dont get medication to help keep me from spiralling out of control, im going to die alone. why do some horrible fucking people get these privleges, but i dont? am i cursed? i wish i could undo whatever it was that caused this. this is agony.