this year has started awfully. being ostracized from my dads and my moms family is...rough. it isnt bad enough that im going to die alone, but i wont even get to do so around family that loves me. i desperately want to be loved and appreciated, but those things will never happen to me. not really. people have a way of sensing that theres something wrong with you, that youre not worth loving. its almost like they can see it on your face. its probably some old survival instinct in the brain that started as an evolutionary advantage sort of thing. i dont want to sound like an incel or something, but its just extremely hard to discuss these things in personal conversation as people just assume you are one. i guess, in a way, i am. but im not hateful over it. it just makes me sad that ill never have that again. this year is going to be extremely painful. i hate this shit.