i feel so depressed and hopeless. my dad passed away around 3 weeks ago, so in still processing that. we weren't on tge best of terms. he wasn't what i would consider a good man, but i could've been better to him myself. its too late now and its hard to come to terms with that. i never thought he'd die, i knew he had cancer, but it felt like death was a long ways off. i just cant believe that hes actually gone when he was here, walking and talking less than a month ago. we're doing his little celebration of life Saturday and im nervous about being around all of these family and family friends. I've never met these people and i know theres going to be some sort of drama.
on a less deep and more petty note, i feel incredibly alone, romantically and sexually. i simply wish to touch and be touched, hold and be held. but that just doesn't seem to be in the cards. i wouldn't call myself an incel, mostly because i know its due to my disgusting body and horrible personality. things i could change and haven't. noones fault but my own. if this sounds like a repeat of something I've said previously, thats because it is. its an ongoing issue that only serves to further depress and demoralize me. i just feel very alone.